Horry Pattor and the Secret Chamber Pot
by Aenea
Summary: Parody of the Chamber of Secrets (the book)- pure insanity


Dislaimer: I don't own anything that doesn't belong to me.  I think that covers it.

Summary: Nonsensical parody of the second Harry Potter book, probably only amusing to the mentally deranged.  

Horry Pattor and the Secret Chamber Pot

****

The Non-Existent Birthday

It was breakfast as normal in the Dursley house: everyone was bitching and whining.

"Bitch bitch, whine whine," said Uncle Vernon.

"Bitch bitch, grumble grumble," said Aunt Peculiar.

"Nag nag, give me some damn bacon Horry," said Dudley.

"NO!!  GET YOUR OWN BACON, YOU LAZY GIT.  IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO USE MAGIC TO KILL YOU AND FEED YOU TO THE BIRDS!!" said Horry.  There was a horrified silence.

"Did you just say…the m-word?" asked Vernon dangerously.

"What?  Magic?" asked Horry insolently.  Aunt Peculiar fainted.

"How dare you threaten Dudley!!  What have we told you about mentioning your…abnormality in this house?!" screamed Vernon, his face going red.

"Umm…I meant please," ventured Horry.

"Oh…ok," said Vernon.  Horry sighed in relief.  "But you still cant go to my dinner party tonight," Vernon continued.  Horry looked outraged.

"Why can't I come?" he whined.  

"Because you're too ugly, you'll scare them off.  And for asking, you have to clean the toilet…with your tongue," replied Vernon.

"Grumble grumble, bitch bitch," said Horry.

So Horry cleaned the toilet (with his tongue) and went upstairs to his room.  He went to sit down on his bed…but someone was already sitting on it.

Horry gets a Warning 

There was an ugly little "thing" on Horry's bed.

"Someone's going to kill you," it said.  Horry blinked.  "So you cant go back to school."

"Cool!!  NO SCHOOL!!!" yelled Horry.  "Can I have my letters now?"

"Huh?" asked the thing, confused.  

"You're sitting on a huge pile of letters addressed to me," Horry pointed out.  The thing gave him the letters and disapparated.  Then a huge owl came along and yelled at Horry.  It said:

_Dear Mr Pattor,_

_We have received intelligence!  We believe you used magic, and that's like, BAD dude.  So don't do it again.  Have a shitty holiday __J___

_Yours sincerely,_

_Aasdlkfjsadlkfjas;ldkjf Daldskfjasldkfj;alsdkjfko Bob_

_(CIA)_

Horry tried to open his door, but he'd locked himself inside for the holidays.

"Oh shite," he said.  Then he turned to the window and found Runt Weasel staring at him.

"Pervert," murmured Horry.

The Incredibly and Amazingly Pov House 

Horry tried to open the window only to find it locked. So Fred and George took out their bazooka and blew up the side of the house. So Horry got in the car and they drove into the sun…set.  They talked for a bit and decided that Malformed was weird. Then they came across a shack.

"HA HA HA HA!!! LOOK AT THE POV HOUSE!!' yelled Horry. 

"That's our house," said Runt, close to tears. 

"Oops… I mean the other house," said Horry, pointing at the nearby mansion. 

Then they went inside. Mrs Weasley yelled at them, made them breakfast and sent them off to degnome the garden. Then Runt asked Horry what he thought of the house.

"Honestly, its shite. There is not enough shite in the world to describe this house."

Runt's ears went pink.

Horry Goes to Flowers and Pots 

Horry had to go to Straight Avenue, but he ended up in Not-Knockturn Alley, where he got stabbed and left in an alley to die.  But Hagridette found him, and took him back to the Weasleys because Horry was bleeding on his/her Prada shoes.  

Then they went to Flowers and Pots.  Mr Weasley had a fight, and Horry made the front page of the newspaper- in the WANTED sign.  The Weasleys couldn't afford to buy anything, so they had to go home.

****

Horry's Booklist, and He Gets a Letter 

Horry got a booklist.  It said:

_The Standard Book of Spills Grade 9.23543218543546573213543 _by Sum Won

_Have a Break, Have a Kit-Kat _by Guilty-Roy Clockart

_Getting your Goals_ by "                     "

_Holidays with Old People_ by "                      "

_Travels with a Mirror_ by "                            "

_Buffy the Vampire Slayer _by "                          "

_Wandering with Professor Lupin_ by "                          "

_Seven years in Nepal _by "                                 "

_I am the Best Person in the World _by "                          "

Horry also got a letter.  It was from Whoremyownninny.  It said:

_Dear Runt (and Horry if you can read),_

_I hope everything went crap, you got caught, arrested, framed for murder and skipped bail.  I've really worried as Horry owes me money, so please send me a check (interest and GST included.)  I'm very busy with schoolwork, as I am a square.  I'm going to London on Wednesday, so can we NOT meet at Straight Avenue?  Can we NOT meet at all?  Can you kill yourselves?_

_Let me know when your funeral is._

_Hatefully yours,_

_Whoremyownnijoaisdjfkasndfsdnfnsnn54y_

"That was nice," said Horry.

****

The Tree that Hits People 

Horry and Runt missed the train because they were too busy chatting up a poster of Claudia Schiffer.  So they stole a car, flew it to school, crashed into a tree and got into trouble.  Everyone cheered.

Guilty-Roy Clockart 

Runt got a letter that yelled.  It screamed:

_I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR FLYING THAT CAR!  I KNEW YOU'D BE ABLE TO DO IT!  YOUR FATHER LOST HIS JOB, BUT HEY, IT'S NOT LIKE HE EARNT ANY MONEY ANYWAY, AND NOW YOU CAN FLY A CAR.  DON'T WORRY ABOUT MONEY, WE'RE JUST GOING TO KILL Horry AND STEAL HIS ANYWAY.  BUT IF YOU DISLOCATE ANOTHER TOE, YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO HSOPITAL.  THIS LETTER WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN 5 SECONDS…_

"Oh shite," said Runt, and he ran out of the hall.  

BOOOOOOOM!!!

Went the hall, and 235432135461354634135 students died instantly.  But it's all good, cos Horry lived.  It's all about Horry.  Horry Horry Horry.  Anyway, the remaining students went to class, ignoring the screams of pain of the wounded.

They had to do a quiz, don't ask me why.  This was the quiz:

_1) __What is Guilty-Roy Clockart's favourite colour?_

_2) __What is his secret ambition?_

_3) __What, in your opinion, is his greatest achievement to date?_

_4) __Does he like chocolate?_

_5) __Do I like chocolate?_

_6) __What book?_

_7) __How many cans can a cannibal nibble if a cannibal can nibble cans?_

_8) __What is 2+2?_

_9) __What is the air speed velocity of an unladen European swallow?_

_10) __Does this train go to London?_

_11) __Is your name Harry?_

_12) __What do blue and purple make?_

_13) __Is Melinda blonde?_

_14) __Is this the fourteenth question?_

_15) __Why is the sky blue?_

_16) __What time is it?_

_17) __Can I go home?_

_18) __Can I have a Big Mac and a coke?_

_19) __Would you like fries with that?_

_20) __No?_

_21) __Where am I?_

_22) __What the hell?_

_23) __Huh?_

_24) __Duhhh…?_

_25) __Are we there yet?_

_26) __Why?_

_27) __Why?_

_28) __Why?_

_29) __Why?_

_30) __Why?_

_31) __Why?_

_32) __Why?_

_33) __Why?_

_34) __Why?_

_35) __Why?_

_36) __Why?_

_37) __Why?_

_38) __Why?_

_39) __Why?_

_40) __Why?_

_41) __Why?_

_42) __Why?_

_43) __Why?_

_44) __Why?_

_45) __Why?_

_46) __Why?_

_47) __Why?_

_48) __Why?_

_49) __Why?_

_50) __Why?_

_51) __Why?_

_52) __Why?_

_53) __Why not?_

_54) __What is Guilty-Roy Clockart's birthday, and what would be his ideal gift?_

Of course, everyone failed except Whoremadklsfjsaldkjfasdkljf;lsadkjf, cos she's a square.  Then they went to Lotions class with Professorina Snapette.  S/he was wearing the usual outfit of a pink, sequined ball gown, purple stilettos and a tiara.  It looked prettyful.

Horry hears Voices 

Malformed gave Horry a note at Quidditch practice.  It said:

_I was meant for loving you, Horry, you were meant for loving me._

"Oh shite," said Malformed.  "You weren't meant to see that.  I meant this one."

The new note said:

_I, Snapette, am giving Thenastyhouse some Quidditch practice, cos they suck, and when they lose I cry and my mascara runs.  Oh, and they have a new seeker- Dragon Malformed._

"Oh, and you're a poohead," Malformed informed Whoremyownninny.  This was apparently an extremely cruel thing to call someone. Runt was annoyed, so he tried to kill Malformed, but he was too pov to afford a wand so he had to use a stick.  It didn't work, and Runt coughed slugs.  It was gross.

Horry was walking along the corridor when suddenly he heard voices.  _Come…come to me…let me rip you…let me tear you…let me kill you…please?_

Horry jumped a mile, then grabbed his head.

"VOICES!!" he screamed, but everyone ignored him because everyone already knew that Horry was completely insane.

The Ghost's Tea Party 

Today, Horry ran into Nearly Headless Nick. But since Nick is a ghost, Horry went right through.  However Horry was very dirty, (he forgot to wash his hair today) he got in trouble with Filch.  But then Nearly Headless Nick dropped a cabinet on Horry, so Filch ran away screaming like a girl.  So then Horry owed Nick a favour.  So he went to his tea party.  It was gross.  But interesting.  Horry walked in the tea party and said: " I see dead people!!!" so Whoikjbfuegfebfiuesgfiuwehbfewifbei punched him. 

Then Horry heard another voice. It said: "_I smell the blood of an English man… and tomato sauce…" _

Horry ran around the corner and saw Filch's cat being hanged by Voldemortimer.

"Oh shite," said Voldemortimer and disappeared.  Horry blinked, then looked at the wall.  It said: **"Someone has used my SECRET CHAMBER POT!!  I'll get you, you bastard!  Even if it's the last thing I do!!!"**

Horry screamed and passed out.

The Writings on the Wall by Destiny's Child 

Horry was listening to his favourite album- The Writings on the Wall by Destiny's Child.

"Say my name, say my name," Horry sang.  "SAY MY NAME BITCH!!!!!!!!!"

Suddenly Horry was struck by an urge (to HERBAL) to go to Guilty-Roy Clockart's office.  So he disappeared and appeared there.  All the photos screamed.

"OMG!! SO UGLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  yelled the photos, then blew up.

Guilty-Roy Clockart poked at a cat that had just appeared out of nowhere.

"Yup, she's dead," he announced.

"She's petrified," said Dumbwindow, who also had just appeared out of nowhere.

"Yeah, that's what I said," said Guilty-Roy.

Oh yeah, Filch is a squid.  Anyway….

Horry found out what the legend of the secret chamber pot was.  It said:

**One day Salazar Thenastyhouse had to go to the loo.  He was busting.  But all the other toilets were occupied.  So he made a SECRET CHAMBER POT.  It could only be opened by the hair of Thenastyhouse.  It has opened once before, and someone fell in.  It was a tragedy.  It was never opened again.  Until now…**

"I always knew that Cat was spelt C-a-t," said Runt.  Whadlskfjalsdkjf;laskdjfaslmnv slapped him.  Horry thought about what the hat said to him in the first book.

_"You could go nuts and kill everyone…it's all here in your head.  Thenastyhouse will help you; No Doubt is the best band ever.  Do you have any tickets?  No, you're tooo pov.  Anyway, you suck, so go to loser house.  GRYFFINwindow."_

Runt is scared of spiders.  So they go to the girls bathroom so Myrtle and Horry fell in love.  Awwww…

****

The Rogue Bugger 

Horry was playing Quidditch when a bugger came and smacked his foot.  Horry fell 235465465463541657654687654676357684657357698436572357654638735743 kilometres to the ground.  He bounced.  Then Clockart came along.

"I'll fix your foot!" he declared.  Horry screamed (like a girl).  Clockart waved his wand and…removed all the bones from Horry's head.  Horry's brain (there wasn't much of it) dripped out of his ear and onto the floor.  So Horry got sent home to recover.   And, for some reason, Dobby was really happy.  And so was Voldemortimer.

The End.

****

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End file.
